What if, what if, what if?

What if? What if? What if? Oh the infamous 'what if' questions that race through people's heads... Sure it is normal to have these questions, but what if they conquer a person's mind and nothing is thought about but 'what ifs'?

That person would be me. Nothing but 'what if'. What if I can't do this, what if I can't do that? What if I can not meet their expectations? What if something goes wrong? What if I mess up? What if, what if, what if? My own utter lack of self-confidence sickens me, and it hinders severely with my life. I can't move on with life, or feel happy...

For example, I would look for job postings and find a few then I look at the requirements, then I would start to envision myself in that position then all these stupid 'what if' questions start running and sooner or later I close the tab to the job... ie: there is a dog walker position but then I think: what if he slips his collar, what if he gets hurts, what if he runs away, what if, what if what if....

I feel so lost and don't know what to do with my life. In addition with all those other problems I have, I just am in so much despair. I would never be able to do anything in my life, even for a moment that I think positive with an ounce of hope it gets washed away. Sometimes I really wished I didn't exist or be able to start my life over with a different gene programming, like with my mom's outgoing talkativeness gene... I just don't know any more, really...