What if, what if, what if?

What if? What if? What if? Oh the infamous 'what if' questions that race through people's heads... Sure it is normal to have these questions, but what if they conquer a person's mind and nothing is thought about but 'what ifs'?

That person would be me. Nothing but 'what if'. What if I can't do this, what if I can't do that? What if I can not meet their expectations? What if something goes wrong? What if I mess up? What if, what if, what if? My own utter lack of self-confidence sickens me, and it hinders severely with my life. I can't move on with life, or feel happy...

For example, I would look for job postings and find a few then I look at the requirements, then I would start to envision myself in that position then all these stupid 'what if' questions start running and sooner or later I close the tab to the job... ie: there is a dog walker position but then I think: what if he slips his collar, what if he gets hurts, what if he runs away, what if, what if what if....

I feel so lost and don't know what to do with my life. In addition with all those other problems I have, I just am in so much despair. I would never be able to do anything in my life, even for a moment that I think positive with an ounce of hope it gets washed away. Sometimes I really wished I didn't exist or be able to start my life over with a different gene programming, like with my mom's outgoing talkativeness gene... I just don't know any more, really...

Excited over nothing

Wow, I don't know why I am getting excited over a DSLR camera. It's like I'm expecting to get it soon. I currently don't have the money for sure, but if I did I would be running to Best Buy in a heartbeat and buy the Rebel T2i while it is on sale!

Perhaps it is because I am so envious of everyone taking awesome macro pictures, that I really want to do the same. I really do love taking non-people pictures,; especially macro, nature, and landscape photography. I would love to bring it to the next level. You can only do so much with a P&S after all...

Sigh, even if I did have the money I bet my parents would get pissed off anyways. I told my mom last night when I have the money the first thing I'm gonna buy is a DSLR. Then she started rambling on how I'm wasting money and how I don't need it and asked me if I thought my dad would let me get it. In my mind I said of course not; the last time I said I wanted a DSLR he told me that I don't need it because I'm not a PROFESSIONAL photographer or going to be one.

But the Canon Rebel series are an ENTRY level DSLR, professionals use DSLR that cost over $1000 just for the freaking camera BODY (meaning it does not come with lenses) and not to mention $1000+/each LENSES; and god knows what else they buy (expensive flashes?). Wow. And here I am just asking to buy me a $900 camera KIT (comes with a standard quality lens), $600 macro lens, $350 flash, and few more $$$ for the memory card and -necessary- supplies... sure it is definitely a lot of money, I am not gonna lie it does make me cringe, but if you call that "professional" I don't know what those people that spend over $1000 for just the body are... photography gods that overspend?!

They never approve of my hobbies... aquariums, photography... says it is a waste of time and money... now I am feeling depressed as I think about it. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........

I just want my own life...

I just want to have my own life, have my own hobbies, do things in peace! But how can when I don't even have my own house and my own paycheck? All I ever hear from my parents is how I am making their house smaller and once my things die, such as plant, do not get anymore. What is so wrong with having a hobby? They say when I get a job that I would not have the time to do such thing, so I better stop now.

The world is so unfair. I compare myself to others, and it seems like most people's parents encourage them to have a hobby. Why can't I? When I want to watch some anime or play some video/computer games, all my mom ever tells me is how childish it is and that I should stop since I am not going into that industry. When I want to start a garden, my mom tells me I am not going to be a farmer, and finally when I tell her that I'll be a effing hobo she tells me that is horrible and how stupid I am for saying that.

There is nothing I am good at, I've been avoiding jobs that I have "training" in because I have absolutely no confidence and full of bad "what ifs". My hobbies are something that bring me a little peace of mind, something I can do and feel good about. Sometimes I just feel like giving up on life, wishing I was never born into this miserable world...

One of my mom's regrets is not being more of a "Tiger Mother" and earlier in our lives...

The Hopeless Profession - Part 3

Well I am going to try to be brave and apply for a job, as much I am fearing it to death. It has been many months since that experience and I really want to move on with life. I would like work experience and start making my own money, and unfortunately... pay income tax...

I started the application process, but I'm already feeling distressing pangs of despair and discouragement as I progress though each portion. I can not fill out the work experience part because I do not have any. References are going to be absolutely barren, as I may only have one personal reference; and even that I am not 100% certain. Now isn't that something, not very attractive I suppose. I may get to the last step which is to finally submit the application, but will I click submit or will I 'X-out' of the page and try to forget about it? This may be the big chance; my big chance, but what if it will bring nothing but agony yet again? I am so afraid, I do not know what to do exactly.

The Chinese horoscope claims that this year will be a good year for those born in the year of the Horse. It would be nice if that is true for me.....


2011 horoscope for Horse of metal element

The most important thing is that in 2011 year of the white rabbit, you will not only lose, but gain even more confidence. It is this incomparable state, when you think you can do anything, that will be a key driver that leading you to success in 2011. Moreover, if your heart is free, then in 2011 you have a good chance to encounter an ideal partner on your way.

2011 Horse Horoscope In Metal Rabbit Year

For the Horse to have a smooth flowing Year of the Rabbit in 2011, the Chinese astrology forecasts that the Horse must be ready to embrace change and be ready to adjust to new procedures and learn to adapt their skills and also undertake the necessary training. By becoming flexible and persistent, the Horse will secure the opportunity that they have been seeking. 2011 is also a good period for those with the Horse zodiac sign to gain new skills and experience. Horse can look forward to an increase in their income due to their progress at the office but on the other hand, they must pay more attention to their expenditures.

According to the 2011 Horse horoscope in the metal rabbit year, the Metal Horse who are born in 1930 and 1990 will see many important openings that can open up for them in the rabbit year and thus improving their 2011 outlook. Metal Horse who are in education will see the rabbit year as a very significant period. Not all of the Metal Horse plans will go smoothly but there will be many important opportunities opening up for them. The career star will shine brightly for the Metal Horse in 2011 because once they demonstrate their skills, there will be many promotion possibilities. On the financial side for the Metal Horse, they will face some big expenses in the Year of the Rabbit. The love and romance area for the Metal Horse may also face some obstacles in 2011.

The Hopeless Profession - Part 2

The last interview I had was sometime last year. It was regarding a position at the Larimer Humane Society. I walked on in and asked for the lady who had called me. I took a seat and waited. As usual, I felt extremely nervous and wanting to back out at the last minute. What if I dressed wrong, what if I talk wrong, what if I make a horrendous first impression? Of course as usual I expected that I won't be getting the job.

Well then the lady came out and I followed her to her office, proceeding to the interview. Of course the beginning of it started off really awkward due to my nervousness and anxiety problem. After awhile, the interview actually started to become better and I began to feel less nervous.

I felt extremely good coming out of the interview. The interview actually felt like it went well and fun for once and after the first couple minutes my nervousness died down to a minimum. The way she talked to me made me feel like she was really interested and that I had a really good chance of getting my first job! I was ecstatic and hurried home to write my follow-up/thank you letter. Then I started to look for a more fancier thank you card plus what I would write in it should I get the job. Well days passed by and I had no news, and according to some websites it said that I should contact her after a few days. So I did and she said they were still finishing up on the interviews. So, I waited some more, maybe a week passed before I knew the results.

I then received the email from her regarding the position. I opened it with extraordinarily high hopes to see that I finally got my first job. Much to my dismay, it read that they had chosen someone else...

With profound disappointment, I wrote back thanking her for her time and consideration. I also asked if there was something I could have done to make myself more ideal. Well, I never received a response after that.

After that I really felt exceptionally depressed for several days, often crying myself to sleep. I was such a freaking fool to get my hopes up so effing high. Why? Why did I do that? If I hadn't, maybe I wouldn't have felt so down and hurt. I didn't do it before, I had always expected nothing but the worst that's why being told I didn't get the job didn't hurt so much before. But this time because I freaking moron and got my effing hopes so effing high that it hurt so bad. It really hurt, my heart sunk to endless pit, I was so sad, so broken. It really hurt like something else. For once I felt like I had a good chance, that I could be useful, that I was good enough for someone, and that I finally found my place in this world. Finally, finally, finally!!! But boy, was I extremely wrong.

Ever since then, I've been really avoiding filling out job applications. I would find one fill it out, then close out of it at the very last step. I really do need a job, but now I am so deathly afraid of interviews. Before I would be happy just to get an interview because it meant I was one step closer to getting a job since I hardly ever get an interview. But now, I am just horribly scared I just can't go through with it.

Just thinking about this and writing about it brings me to tears and making my nose rain boogers, it just too painful for me to bear. I wish it would just go away, but it won't. It is such an agonizing memory, one I will probably never forget...

The Hopeless Profession - Part 1

Money. Is it an essential thing in life? Surely, it is; at least in a part of your life. With money you can buy material things, things you want. However, of course, there are somethings that money can't buy.

It depresses me to the point where I feel overwhelming despair and explicit pangs of sadness drive me insane to even think about the future I want, money, job, things I would like to have. What do I want in life? Well I would like to work so I can have some money to buy me a nice moderately sized house with a moderately size backyard and unfurnished basement which I would dedicate to as my 'fish room'. Then I would love to adopt some Siberian Huskies, and provide them with plenty of enrichment and high quality food. I would also like to have the funds to further my current hobbies or discover new ones.

When I really want something, I start to look for job openings, so I could get a job which would get me some money... but then the immeasurable feelings of despair, sadness, and lack of self-worth begin to set in. I look desperately for a job opening that I believe I can do, and trust me there are hardly any. When I do find one I hurriedly write up my cover letter, resume and fill out the online application. However, at the very last step right before submitting the entire thing I usually end up X-ing out of it. What if I get an interview? Will i have to go through that again? I don't want to be hurt again. It was so painful, so very painful... an immense agony I will never forget....

This is not a perfect world

It is not a perfect world, and it never will be. If there was then there would nothing to perfect no longer.

The world is ending. What is wrong with this world? There are some mad people mad for some silly reasons, then there are some overly optimistic people. It makes me sick!!! How can they be so optimistic? Have they never experienced the negative side of life? What makes them think that people who are negative all the time really want to live in misery? It may be true for some, but not everyone who is miserable wants to stay that way. How utterly absurd. Miserable people suck? Why don't they walk in our shoes before saying crap about miserable people. Just because you are fortunate enough to experience only the positives in life doesn't make you high and mighty over us. It makes me sick. Some of us are trying to do something about it; and slowly but surely that is. Complaining about life might be the single thing that that one miserable person has left.

Not everyone has the ability think positively after so much. In fact, I think overly optimistic people will be hit the hardest if something exceptionally negative hits them hard in the face. We miserable people are already expecting the worst, so it doesn't hurt as bad. It is absolutely sickening. I do hope to become a bit more positive in life, but not over the top.