What if? What if? What if? Oh the infamous 'what if' questions that race through people's heads... Sure it is normal to have these questions, but what if they conquer a person's mind and nothing is thought about but 'what ifs'?
That person would be me. Nothing but 'what if'. What if I can't do this, what if I can't do that? What if I can not meet their expectations? What if something goes wrong? What if I mess up? What if, what if, what if? My own utter lack of self-confidence sickens me, and it hinders severely with my life. I can't move on with life, or feel happy...
For example, I would look for job postings and find a few then I look at the requirements, then I would start to envision myself in that position then all these stupid 'what if' questions start running and sooner or later I close the tab to the job... ie: there is a dog walker position but then I think: what if he slips his collar, what if he gets hurts, what if he runs away, what if, what if what if....
I feel so lost and don't know what to do with my life. In addition with all those other problems I have, I just am in so much despair. I would never be able to do anything in my life, even for a moment that I think positive with an ounce of hope it gets washed away. Sometimes I really wished I didn't exist or be able to start my life over with a different gene programming, like with my mom's outgoing talkativeness gene... I just don't know any more, really...
Showing posts with label jobs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jobs. Show all posts
March 5, 2011
February 28, 2011
I REALLY WANT TO GO FISHING!!!!!
All of the sudden I really want to go fishing. I don't really remember exactly what triggered it, but I believe it had to do with my sister talking about something when we took Crystal to the the dog park.
So now I really wanna go fishing. I was looking some stuff up like rods and reels, and I decided I would like to get a new one since mine is fairly old and the reel is kinda broke, and a little too short for my liking. I probably would like to get a rod that is a minimum of 7 feet long. I was thinking about the Abu Garcia Cardinal Bruiser combo from Walmart. Many people recommended the Shakespeare Ugly Stik, but my sister already has one of those and I would like to try something new but proven. I also went to Walmart to check out some of the artificial bait/lures. I have some things in mind to get.
I also looked up some ponds, lakes, and reservoirs for us to fish at. Wow I had no idea there was salmon in Colorado, granted they tend to be in the colder bodies of water up in the mountains but still! I wanna catch a Northern Pike or Walleye one day, those are pretty tasty fish and expensive in the grocery stores when they do have it.
On the other hand, I had a job interview this afternoon. It was short and quick, I don't know how well I did. Probably not that well since I found it hard to answer the questions and it last less than 30 minutes!
So now I really wanna go fishing. I was looking some stuff up like rods and reels, and I decided I would like to get a new one since mine is fairly old and the reel is kinda broke, and a little too short for my liking. I probably would like to get a rod that is a minimum of 7 feet long. I was thinking about the Abu Garcia Cardinal Bruiser combo from Walmart. Many people recommended the Shakespeare Ugly Stik, but my sister already has one of those and I would like to try something new but proven. I also went to Walmart to check out some of the artificial bait/lures. I have some things in mind to get.
I also looked up some ponds, lakes, and reservoirs for us to fish at. Wow I had no idea there was salmon in Colorado, granted they tend to be in the colder bodies of water up in the mountains but still! I wanna catch a Northern Pike or Walleye one day, those are pretty tasty fish and expensive in the grocery stores when they do have it.
On the other hand, I had a job interview this afternoon. It was short and quick, I don't know how well I did. Probably not that well since I found it hard to answer the questions and it last less than 30 minutes!
February 10, 2011
Another motivation...
I submitted another job application, I highly doubt something will happen. I am only motivated now because I really want the following ASAP:
But I know it is all a dream, and that I'm not really going to get a job. But I would probably say that the DSLR digi-cam and the lenses are my first priority. I've always loved photography; especially macro photography, and really wish to bring it to the next level from Point and Shoots.
I do also remember bits of my dream last night. I remember being in a darkish room with white walls, across me against the wall was an aquarium and a light fixture hung above it several inches. This fixture which lights the tank was the only light illuminating the room a little. The tank was very clean and rimless, lots of high light plants, some colorful fishes. I then remembering talking to AzFishKid about plants and his tank, but he was not physically there, as if I were talking to the aquarium itself! Then I remember suddenly standing on a branch high on an leafy tree. The tree had thick stump, brown rough bark, and started branching off fairly low, the branches continued to stay very thick and sturdy. The leaves were moderate in size, ovalate or lanceolate in shape, and had indents at the edge of the leaf. I remember peering away and seeing a fairly big, lit-up city in the distance, the sky was dusk. Then I peer down at the foot of the tree and see two unknown people sleeping against the tree.
Room
To dream that you are in a room, represents a particular aspect of yourself or a specific relationship. Dreams about various rooms often relate to hidden areas of the conscious mind and different aspects of your personality. If the room is welcoming or comfortable, then it signifies opulence and satisfaction in life. If you see a dark or confined room, then it denotes that you feel trapped or repressed in a situation.
Light
To see soft or shadowy lighting in your dreams, indicates feelings and thoughts from the primal aspects and less developed parts of your unconscious.
White
White represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life. Alternatively, white refers to a clean, blank slate. Or it may refer to a cover-up. In Eastern cultures, white is associated with death and mourning.
Walls
To see a wall in your dream, signifies limitations. obstacles and boundaries. There is a barrier obstructing your progress. Alternatively, the wall indicates that you are too accustomed to your old habits and way of thinking. You feel stuck.
Aquarium
To see an aquarium in your dream, signifies that you have acknowledged your emotions but have not yet confronted them. Thus, it may refer to your unconscious thoughts or repressed sexual desires. Also, you may feel that your life is going nowhere or that you feel it is going in circles. Alternatively, the aquarium may indicate that you need to calm down and set some time for yourself to relax and unwind.
Talking
To dream that you are talking does not have any significance unless it is unusual or bizarre. What are you saying specifically. Consider also if what you say evoke strong feelings or behavioral reactions. The dream may simply be highlighting your need improve your communication skills or learn to express yourself more clearly.
Trees
To see lush green trees in your dream, symbolize new hopes, growth, desires, knowledge, and life. It also implies strength, protection and stability. You are concentrating on your own self-development and individuation.
City
To see a city in your dream, signifies your social environment and sense of community. If you dream of a big city, then it suggests that you need to develop closer ties and relationships. You are feeling alienated and alone.
Dusk
To see the dusk of day in your dream, signifies defeated hopes and a dark, gloom outlook in your endeavors.
Two
Two stands for balance, diversity, partnership, marriage cooperation, soul, or receptivity. It can also symbolize double weakness or double strength. The world is seen as being made up of dualities and opposites, as in the male and female, mother and father, light and dark, heaven and hell, yin and yang, etc.
People
To see people you don't know in your dream, denotes hidden aspects of yourself that you need to confront or acknowledge.
Sleeping
To see someone sleeping in your dream, is a reflection of yourself and your own unconscious mind. It is telling you that you may not be alert or informed about a particular situation.
- Adobe Creative Suite 5 Design Premium Student and Teacher Edition
- 29g tank, T5-HO light, CO2 equipment, high light plants, and some Gertrude's, Furcata, and Threadfin Rainbowfish
- Website and Domain name with Whois Privacy
- Canon EOS Rebel T2i EF-S 18-55mm IS Kit, EF 100mm f/2.8 Macro USM Lens, Speedlite 430EX II
- My own house, or a place I own and not rent.....
But I know it is all a dream, and that I'm not really going to get a job. But I would probably say that the DSLR digi-cam and the lenses are my first priority. I've always loved photography; especially macro photography, and really wish to bring it to the next level from Point and Shoots.
I do also remember bits of my dream last night. I remember being in a darkish room with white walls, across me against the wall was an aquarium and a light fixture hung above it several inches. This fixture which lights the tank was the only light illuminating the room a little. The tank was very clean and rimless, lots of high light plants, some colorful fishes. I then remembering talking to AzFishKid about plants and his tank, but he was not physically there, as if I were talking to the aquarium itself! Then I remember suddenly standing on a branch high on an leafy tree. The tree had thick stump, brown rough bark, and started branching off fairly low, the branches continued to stay very thick and sturdy. The leaves were moderate in size, ovalate or lanceolate in shape, and had indents at the edge of the leaf. I remember peering away and seeing a fairly big, lit-up city in the distance, the sky was dusk. Then I peer down at the foot of the tree and see two unknown people sleeping against the tree.
Room
To dream that you are in a room, represents a particular aspect of yourself or a specific relationship. Dreams about various rooms often relate to hidden areas of the conscious mind and different aspects of your personality. If the room is welcoming or comfortable, then it signifies opulence and satisfaction in life. If you see a dark or confined room, then it denotes that you feel trapped or repressed in a situation.
Light
To see soft or shadowy lighting in your dreams, indicates feelings and thoughts from the primal aspects and less developed parts of your unconscious.
White
White represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life. Alternatively, white refers to a clean, blank slate. Or it may refer to a cover-up. In Eastern cultures, white is associated with death and mourning.
Walls
To see a wall in your dream, signifies limitations. obstacles and boundaries. There is a barrier obstructing your progress. Alternatively, the wall indicates that you are too accustomed to your old habits and way of thinking. You feel stuck.
Aquarium
To see an aquarium in your dream, signifies that you have acknowledged your emotions but have not yet confronted them. Thus, it may refer to your unconscious thoughts or repressed sexual desires. Also, you may feel that your life is going nowhere or that you feel it is going in circles. Alternatively, the aquarium may indicate that you need to calm down and set some time for yourself to relax and unwind.
Talking
To dream that you are talking does not have any significance unless it is unusual or bizarre. What are you saying specifically. Consider also if what you say evoke strong feelings or behavioral reactions. The dream may simply be highlighting your need improve your communication skills or learn to express yourself more clearly.
Trees
To see lush green trees in your dream, symbolize new hopes, growth, desires, knowledge, and life. It also implies strength, protection and stability. You are concentrating on your own self-development and individuation.
City
To see a city in your dream, signifies your social environment and sense of community. If you dream of a big city, then it suggests that you need to develop closer ties and relationships. You are feeling alienated and alone.
Dusk
To see the dusk of day in your dream, signifies defeated hopes and a dark, gloom outlook in your endeavors.
Two
Two stands for balance, diversity, partnership, marriage cooperation, soul, or receptivity. It can also symbolize double weakness or double strength. The world is seen as being made up of dualities and opposites, as in the male and female, mother and father, light and dark, heaven and hell, yin and yang, etc.
People
To see people you don't know in your dream, denotes hidden aspects of yourself that you need to confront or acknowledge.
Sleeping
To see someone sleeping in your dream, is a reflection of yourself and your own unconscious mind. It is telling you that you may not be alert or informed about a particular situation.
February 2, 2011
The Hopeless Profession - Part 3
Well I am going to try to be brave and apply for a job, as much I am fearing it to death. It has been many months since that experience and I really want to move on with life. I would like work experience and start making my own money, and unfortunately... pay income tax...
I started the application process, but I'm already feeling distressing pangs of despair and discouragement as I progress though each portion. I can not fill out the work experience part because I do not have any. References are going to be absolutely barren, as I may only have one personal reference; and even that I am not 100% certain. Now isn't that something, not very attractive I suppose. I may get to the last step which is to finally submit the application, but will I click submit or will I 'X-out' of the page and try to forget about it? This may be the big chance; my big chance, but what if it will bring nothing but agony yet again? I am so afraid, I do not know what to do exactly.
The Chinese horoscope claims that this year will be a good year for those born in the year of the Horse. It would be nice if that is true for me.....
2011 horoscope for Horse of metal element
2011 Horse Horoscope In Metal Rabbit Year
I started the application process, but I'm already feeling distressing pangs of despair and discouragement as I progress though each portion. I can not fill out the work experience part because I do not have any. References are going to be absolutely barren, as I may only have one personal reference; and even that I am not 100% certain. Now isn't that something, not very attractive I suppose. I may get to the last step which is to finally submit the application, but will I click submit or will I 'X-out' of the page and try to forget about it? This may be the big chance; my big chance, but what if it will bring nothing but agony yet again? I am so afraid, I do not know what to do exactly.
The Chinese horoscope claims that this year will be a good year for those born in the year of the Horse. It would be nice if that is true for me.....
2011 horoscope for Horse of metal element
The most important thing is that in 2011 year of the white rabbit, you will not only lose, but gain even more confidence. It is this incomparable state, when you think you can do anything, that will be a key driver that leading you to success in 2011. Moreover, if your heart is free, then in 2011 you have a good chance to encounter an ideal partner on your way.
2011 Horse Horoscope In Metal Rabbit Year
For the Horse to have a smooth flowing Year of the Rabbit in 2011, the Chinese astrology forecasts that the Horse must be ready to embrace change and be ready to adjust to new procedures and learn to adapt their skills and also undertake the necessary training. By becoming flexible and persistent, the Horse will secure the opportunity that they have been seeking. 2011 is also a good period for those with the Horse zodiac sign to gain new skills and experience. Horse can look forward to an increase in their income due to their progress at the office but on the other hand, they must pay more attention to their expenditures.
According to the 2011 Horse horoscope in the metal rabbit year, the Metal Horse who are born in 1930 and 1990 will see many important openings that can open up for them in the rabbit year and thus improving their 2011 outlook. Metal Horse who are in education will see the rabbit year as a very significant period. Not all of the Metal Horse plans will go smoothly but there will be many important opportunities opening up for them. The career star will shine brightly for the Metal Horse in 2011 because once they demonstrate their skills, there will be many promotion possibilities. On the financial side for the Metal Horse, they will face some big expenses in the Year of the Rabbit. The love and romance area for the Metal Horse may also face some obstacles in 2011.
January 30, 2011
The Hopeless Profession - Part 2
The last interview I had was sometime last year. It was regarding a position at the Larimer Humane Society. I walked on in and asked for the lady who had called me. I took a seat and waited. As usual, I felt extremely nervous and wanting to back out at the last minute. What if I dressed wrong, what if I talk wrong, what if I make a horrendous first impression? Of course as usual I expected that I won't be getting the job.
Well then the lady came out and I followed her to her office, proceeding to the interview. Of course the beginning of it started off really awkward due to my nervousness and anxiety problem. After awhile, the interview actually started to become better and I began to feel less nervous.
I felt extremely good coming out of the interview. The interview actually felt like it went well and fun for once and after the first couple minutes my nervousness died down to a minimum. The way she talked to me made me feel like she was really interested and that I had a really good chance of getting my first job! I was ecstatic and hurried home to write my follow-up/thank you letter. Then I started to look for a more fancier thank you card plus what I would write in it should I get the job. Well days passed by and I had no news, and according to some websites it said that I should contact her after a few days. So I did and she said they were still finishing up on the interviews. So, I waited some more, maybe a week passed before I knew the results.
I then received the email from her regarding the position. I opened it with extraordinarily high hopes to see that I finally got my first job. Much to my dismay, it read that they had chosen someone else...
With profound disappointment, I wrote back thanking her for her time and consideration. I also asked if there was something I could have done to make myself more ideal. Well, I never received a response after that.
After that I really felt exceptionally depressed for several days, often crying myself to sleep. I was such a freaking fool to get my hopes up so effing high. Why? Why did I do that? If I hadn't, maybe I wouldn't have felt so down and hurt. I didn't do it before, I had always expected nothing but the worst that's why being told I didn't get the job didn't hurt so much before. But this time because I freaking moron and got my effing hopes so effing high that it hurt so bad. It really hurt, my heart sunk to endless pit, I was so sad, so broken. It really hurt like something else. For once I felt like I had a good chance, that I could be useful, that I was good enough for someone, and that I finally found my place in this world. Finally, finally, finally!!! But boy, was I extremely wrong.
Ever since then, I've been really avoiding filling out job applications. I would find one fill it out, then close out of it at the very last step. I really do need a job, but now I am so deathly afraid of interviews. Before I would be happy just to get an interview because it meant I was one step closer to getting a job since I hardly ever get an interview. But now, I am just horribly scared I just can't go through with it.
Just thinking about this and writing about it brings me to tears and making my nose rain boogers, it just too painful for me to bear. I wish it would just go away, but it won't. It is such an agonizing memory, one I will probably never forget...
Well then the lady came out and I followed her to her office, proceeding to the interview. Of course the beginning of it started off really awkward due to my nervousness and anxiety problem. After awhile, the interview actually started to become better and I began to feel less nervous.
I felt extremely good coming out of the interview. The interview actually felt like it went well and fun for once and after the first couple minutes my nervousness died down to a minimum. The way she talked to me made me feel like she was really interested and that I had a really good chance of getting my first job! I was ecstatic and hurried home to write my follow-up/thank you letter. Then I started to look for a more fancier thank you card plus what I would write in it should I get the job. Well days passed by and I had no news, and according to some websites it said that I should contact her after a few days. So I did and she said they were still finishing up on the interviews. So, I waited some more, maybe a week passed before I knew the results.
I then received the email from her regarding the position. I opened it with extraordinarily high hopes to see that I finally got my first job. Much to my dismay, it read that they had chosen someone else...
With profound disappointment, I wrote back thanking her for her time and consideration. I also asked if there was something I could have done to make myself more ideal. Well, I never received a response after that.
After that I really felt exceptionally depressed for several days, often crying myself to sleep. I was such a freaking fool to get my hopes up so effing high. Why? Why did I do that? If I hadn't, maybe I wouldn't have felt so down and hurt. I didn't do it before, I had always expected nothing but the worst that's why being told I didn't get the job didn't hurt so much before. But this time because I freaking moron and got my effing hopes so effing high that it hurt so bad. It really hurt, my heart sunk to endless pit, I was so sad, so broken. It really hurt like something else. For once I felt like I had a good chance, that I could be useful, that I was good enough for someone, and that I finally found my place in this world. Finally, finally, finally!!! But boy, was I extremely wrong.
Ever since then, I've been really avoiding filling out job applications. I would find one fill it out, then close out of it at the very last step. I really do need a job, but now I am so deathly afraid of interviews. Before I would be happy just to get an interview because it meant I was one step closer to getting a job since I hardly ever get an interview. But now, I am just horribly scared I just can't go through with it.
Just thinking about this and writing about it brings me to tears and making my nose rain boogers, it just too painful for me to bear. I wish it would just go away, but it won't. It is such an agonizing memory, one I will probably never forget...
January 25, 2011
The Hopeless Profession - Part 1
Money. Is it an essential thing in life? Surely, it is; at least in a part of your life. With money you can buy material things, things you want. However, of course, there are somethings that money can't buy.
It depresses me to the point where I feel overwhelming despair and explicit pangs of sadness drive me insane to even think about the future I want, money, job, things I would like to have. What do I want in life? Well I would like to work so I can have some money to buy me a nice moderately sized house with a moderately size backyard and unfurnished basement which I would dedicate to as my 'fish room'. Then I would love to adopt some Siberian Huskies, and provide them with plenty of enrichment and high quality food. I would also like to have the funds to further my current hobbies or discover new ones.
When I really want something, I start to look for job openings, so I could get a job which would get me some money... but then the immeasurable feelings of despair, sadness, and lack of self-worth begin to set in. I look desperately for a job opening that I believe I can do, and trust me there are hardly any. When I do find one I hurriedly write up my cover letter, resume and fill out the online application. However, at the very last step right before submitting the entire thing I usually end up X-ing out of it. What if I get an interview? Will i have to go through that again? I don't want to be hurt again. It was so painful, so very painful... an immense agony I will never forget....
It depresses me to the point where I feel overwhelming despair and explicit pangs of sadness drive me insane to even think about the future I want, money, job, things I would like to have. What do I want in life? Well I would like to work so I can have some money to buy me a nice moderately sized house with a moderately size backyard and unfurnished basement which I would dedicate to as my 'fish room'. Then I would love to adopt some Siberian Huskies, and provide them with plenty of enrichment and high quality food. I would also like to have the funds to further my current hobbies or discover new ones.
When I really want something, I start to look for job openings, so I could get a job which would get me some money... but then the immeasurable feelings of despair, sadness, and lack of self-worth begin to set in. I look desperately for a job opening that I believe I can do, and trust me there are hardly any. When I do find one I hurriedly write up my cover letter, resume and fill out the online application. However, at the very last step right before submitting the entire thing I usually end up X-ing out of it. What if I get an interview? Will i have to go through that again? I don't want to be hurt again. It was so painful, so very painful... an immense agony I will never forget....
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